The Feeling Pumpkin

Since people seem to be reminising about the Madness like crazy since the reunion (which is just AWESOME), I figured I'd post an old Madness story that Matt Garrett & I lived. It's kinda stupid, but it may be the greatest thing Matt Garrett has ever done. I originally posted this on my old LiveJournal account (remember that?) and MySpace. Well, here it is again on Facebook. I've edited minor things to it so if you've heard this story a million times or read it on those other sites, not much has changed to it. If you're reading it for the first time or haven't read it in a while, enjoy!

So Matt and I are taking English Composition II in the fall of 2000, my sophomore year. I forget what room it was in, all I remember was it was on the 3rd floor of the Sullivan Building on North Campus. The class is taught by Professor Rhodes; and this lady is plain fucking insane. You know what I mean...one of those people who is just "off". Normally you read a good amount of books in an English Comp class; a lot of the so called "classics". For whatever reason, we read only one book all semester, and no, it wasn't a SPED class...I think...

That's right one book...her obsession...Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I never understood what her obsession with the book was. Maybe she wanted to fuck Boris Karloff? Who the hell knows? Anyway, I can't recall much from the book or the class...all I remember is this moment where Matt Garrett took himself to a level few have ever dared to pursue.

A few weeks before Halloween that year, we showed up to class about 15 minutes early and walked in as normal. For some reason, as we got in the room, we noticed this silly looking pumpkin in the back corner of the classroom. The pumpkin had what looked like graffitti written all over it.

As Matt and I got closer to it, we noticed words like "Joy", "Pain", "Sorrow", "Sadness", "Happiness" and a bunch of other emotions written on it.

There was some theater class that took place in that room before our class and one of the guys in theater came up to us rolling his eyes...almost sensing trouble. He was a scrawny emo-bitch with Buddy Holly glasses and a bright green bandana on his head. He looked like a pirate at a Weezer concert. He spoke, almost obnoxiously, informing us that "This is the 'Feeling Pumpkin', man. It's used to express feelings."

Well that's just gay!

As our new eccentric friend was leaving, he uttered the now famous last words, and I quote, "Whatever you do, don't touch the 'Feeling Pumpkin'!"

Dude, WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO THE MADNESS?!?

In Matt's eyes, this dipshit was BEGGING us to do something. But being the good Samaritans that the Madness has always been know for, we figured it was there for Halloween and ignored it....not without first placing it next to the window for someone to give it a nudge and push it to it's death.

The entire month of October passes, and the pumpkin remains in the same spot Matt placed it in.

November comes and goes. Still, there sits the "Feeling Pumpkin"...in all its Feeling glory. Considering it hasn't moved from the last place Matt put it; is the theater class even using this thing anymore?

The first week of December rolls around, and that stupid pumpkin is still there next to the window. I can see having a pumpkin in a classroom for Halloween, fuck, even Thanksgiving. But unless it's being shoved up Rudolph's ass, Santa has nothing to do with fucking pumpkins! One day, Matt was just pissed off at vegetables or some shit and said to me, "That's it dude, today's the day...the 'Feeling Pumpkin' must die!!" Needless to say this arrouses the interest of the class.

Matt opens the window of our 3rd floor classroom, and places the pumpkin at the edge. The whole class seems to be very involved in the destruction of the "Feeling Pumpkin". We're all giggling like school children (yes we were in college...but hey, it was Salem State). So Matt says, "Boop!" and gives it a little nudge out the window and down it goes.

The "Feeling Pumpkin" is slowly spinning, plummeting to it's death when it reaches the bottom of its three story plunge. We all eagerly await the splattering of orange pumpkin innards to cover the concrete and grass below. So it hits the ground, and by the miracle of Satan, THE PUMPKIN DOESN'T BREAK!

It starts rolling down the hill and into the street as me, Matt and the rest of the class burst out laughing. We are in half hysterics and half amazement over the fact that physics failed us and the pumpkin's impact on the ground didn't make it disintigrate. Then Matt gets up and stands on his chair and shouts, "I gotta save the pumpkin!", and sprints out the door. I was tempted to follow him, but decided that a bird's eye view may prove more entertaining.

Matt runs down 3 flights of stairs of the Sullivan Building, knocking people over, eventually making it outside. He comes into my view as he starts running down the small grassy hill toward the street. :::EDITOR'S NOTE, For those of you who know him, Matt was a lot thinner and in much better shape back in the day:::

From my vantage point, (hanging out the window of the assassination attempt), I can see him sprinting until he reaches some trees. From there, the sight of him running is replaced by the sounds of screeching brakes and blaring car horns. What actually happened, I don't know for sure. In my head, all I can picture is Matt doing backflips or some shit over cars, jukin' and jivin' through on-coming Salem traffic.

Suddenly, I see Matt emerge from the street, arms fully extended overhead holding the "Feeling Pumpkin"...miraculously still in one piece "I DID IT...I DID IT...I SAVED THE PUMPKIN," he screamed.

People driving by must have been, like, "What the fuck???"

As he runs up the stairs back to class, he runs into Professor Rhodes and tucks the "Feeling Pumpkin" quickly behind his back. "Uh...HI!" is all he can muster as he tries to keep the pumpkin hidden. She gives him an odd look as if to say, I'm confused...but I don't want to know...

He makes it back to the class with the surviving pumpkin to the sounds of cheers and applause from the class. He puts the pumpkin back on the window as he's gasping for air. He takes his seat and collapses.

Moments later, Professor Rhodes walks into class with a very puzzled look on her face. I can only imagine what must be going through her head.

As she starts class, she realized that she forgot her lessonplan, and had to go back to her office to retrieve it. Ok...let's try this again!

The second she stepped out the door, Matt grabbed the "Feeling Pumpkin" and hung himself half out the window as the class shouted in unison "1...2...3!!!" as he fired the "Feeling Pumpkin" towards the ground. It hit the pavement, and to the releif of Matt and the surprise of students and faculty who were passing by at the time, the pumpkin exploded. The class erupted with laughter and cheers as Matt breathed a sigh of releif.

Today Matt is hoping with the upcoming birth of his first child, that that event will finally replace the "Feeling Pumpkin" as the greatest thing that has ever or will ever happen to him.

Only time will tell...